Learning as I go

       2 Decembers ago. God gave me a word. "Intentional" I need to be intentional about life. In every aspect of life. I cannot expect a cute little magic wand to appear and make all the troubles of this world disappear. I can't expect it to Keep my family healthy nor can I expect it wave its magically powers and turn me into June Clever and My husband Ward. We need to be intentional at working through our issues, and working on our marriage. ( nothing, or no one except us, can do that.) No one will fight for our marriage except us. No one will fight for our kids except us. If we want to grow, we need to be intentional. If we want a good relationship with God, we need to be intentional. If we want good relationships with our Children we need to be intentional. If I want to be rid of the sin in my life, I need to be intentional.

 

          Knowing this, having this word ( intentional ) close to my heart for the last couple of years and it truly penetrating in my heart. How on earth did I get to the spot, where I want to give up? When Did I start focusing on everything but HIM? I started focusing on ALL of the wrongs things. I started focusing on all of the bad stuff. I have been stuck. I have been so super selfish, everything has been what I a missing in my life. What I have been robbed off. What Wrongs have been done to me. All the Negatives. I have pulled away from everyone that I held dear. I haven't been church in 2 months. Depression has set in and I felt utterly hopeless.Defeated and alone. I have blamed my mom, my husband, my son, my dad and my friends. I have also blammed myself. But that was it...I placed the blame, and lost the most important thing in the midst of this.

        I feel like I am at the begining again. On the 15th of this month I decided to be intentional again. I need HIM back in my life. I need to take my life by the horns and fight. My marriage has been so rocky this past year. Dis connected  and distant. My relationship with my son is so hard and I struggle with him everyday. Dealing with ODD is a huge challange. Not having any close Christian friends and not going to church. All This needs to change. And I am not sitting by anymore. So like I said on the 15th I said I was going to start praying. Not just the quick little 3 word prayers. But I am getting up before the household arises and I get out my journal and bible and Power of a praying wife book and I am praying. Outside in the warm breeze under the newly built gazebo. Oh and I can't forget the kureig. My lovely cup or 2 of coffee.

 There has not been a HUGE change. I am not expecting God to open the heaven's door and clap and shout that I have finally gotten it. I just know in my heart that I am obeying. And I do have a little glimmer of hope.

Lord I need you now. I will obey. I will not give up. My face is down and my eyes and arms are raised toward you. As the Tears fall, please know that I long for you. I am reaching out to you, with all of me. I love you.