I am very thankful for tears. I believe they help heal the soul. I am not sure that it is a biblical truth, but I do know that God made tear ducts and emotions and the lovely ability to cry.
I cry often, sometimes as a release. Sometimes because there is just nothing else to do. I am all out of fancy words to say and sometimes I feel so bad on the inside I have no other way to get it out.
Why am I sharing this, I am not sure. But I love emotions. I love it that I am not afraid to show my heart. I hurt deeply and I have had my fair share of tear stained pillows.
Tonight, I cry because I am afraid to loose him. I don't even know him that well, but we are attached and there is a unspoken connection there. I am his baby girl, and I love him more then words could ever express. I love him so much it hurts. I remember sitting in my window cill as a young child praying he would come rescue me. I wanted him. I longed for him. I needed him. He is my dad.
I am afraid. I am so afraid of loosing. Loosing him. Is he dying? no. but when I found him in 2007 I was instantly scared. Scared of the fact that he was going to leave and never return. scared that he was going to die on the drive home. I am so angry that he is old. That his body is not functioning properly. He is so strong and doesn't give up. He is in pain daily and still works.
God why? Mom why? Why didn't I get to see him grow up? Why didn't I get to see his face when I graduated? Why didn't I get to see him lift the veil and kiss my forehead on my wedding day? Why wasn't here there awaiting the arrival of my first born or my second?
Why does he live so far away? Is 2 hours that long? no...but he might as well live across the world. Because trying to blend 2 lives after 22 years is so hard to do.
So tonight I cry.
I want my daddy. I need my daddy. I miss my daddy.
Goodnight.
