I am very thankful for tears. I believe they help heal the soul. I am not sure that it is a biblical truth, but I do know that God made tear ducts and emotions and the lovely ability to cry.
I cry often, sometimes as a release. Sometimes because there is just nothing else to do. I am all out of fancy words to say and sometimes I feel so bad on the inside I have no other way to get it out.
Why am I sharing this, I am not sure. But I love emotions. I love it that I am not afraid to show my heart. I hurt deeply and I have had my fair share of tear stained pillows.
Tonight, I cry because I am afraid to loose him. I don't even know him that well, but we are attached and there is a unspoken connection there. I am his baby girl, and I love him more then words could ever express. I love him so much it hurts. I remember sitting in my window cill as a young child praying he would come rescue me. I wanted him. I longed for him. I needed him. He is my dad.
I am afraid. I am so afraid of loosing. Loosing him. Is he dying? no. but when I found him in 2007 I was instantly scared. Scared of the fact that he was going to leave and never return. scared that he was going to die on the drive home. I am so angry that he is old. That his body is not functioning properly. He is so strong and doesn't give up. He is in pain daily and still works.
God why? Mom why? Why didn't I get to see him grow up? Why didn't I get to see his face when I graduated? Why didn't I get to see him lift the veil and kiss my forehead on my wedding day? Why wasn't here there awaiting the arrival of my first born or my second?
Why does he live so far away? Is 2 hours that long? no...but he might as well live across the world. Because trying to blend 2 lives after 22 years is so hard to do.
So tonight I cry.
I want my daddy. I need my daddy. I miss my daddy.
Goodnight.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The best date with my boy ever!
Jacob and I have a weekly date on Saturday mornings.(most Saturday's)and Jacob's favorite thing to do is go for breakfast. same as myself. I had the awesome privilege to have my son all to myself while Thomas took Chloe to the cottage yesterday and today. And I must say it was a GREAT time.
So what did we do? All of Jaker's favorite things. Took him out to dinner, went to the store to buy pop and junk food. Let him play his wii game while I held my scrap booking workshop.I also let him stay up late. ( not too late though) Took him out for breakfast, and let him talk about star wars the whole time :)then took him to the craft store, the book store and read and talked about more star wars ;)took him to his first and my first 3D movie. How to train a dragon. bought him his own pop and popcorn and licorice. Went to walmart to buy cat food- a must. But let him hang out in the Lego section forever!!! Bought him 2 tidbits at Tim Hortons instead of one. While I bought a coffee. I said yes instead of saying no. And it felt great.
I am a person that likes to have control. Even over the stupid stuff. The past couple of days I let that go. I tend to say no a lot and thought lets change that up a bit. It was freeing, and Jake has pronounced the past couple of days the best days of his entire life. That warmed my heart and made me smile. I want to make memories with both of my kids. and I want to spoil them once in awhile. And to learn to say yes more often then not rush and listen to endless stories about star wars. Why??? Cause it makes him feel loved and appreciated.
I am blessed indeed to have Jaker Baker as my son.
P:S Bedtime was only 15 Min's later. The pop was diet. shhhhh he would never know :)
So what did we do? All of Jaker's favorite things. Took him out to dinner, went to the store to buy pop and junk food. Let him play his wii game while I held my scrap booking workshop.I also let him stay up late. ( not too late though) Took him out for breakfast, and let him talk about star wars the whole time :)then took him to the craft store, the book store and read and talked about more star wars ;)took him to his first and my first 3D movie. How to train a dragon. bought him his own pop and popcorn and licorice. Went to walmart to buy cat food- a must. But let him hang out in the Lego section forever!!! Bought him 2 tidbits at Tim Hortons instead of one. While I bought a coffee. I said yes instead of saying no. And it felt great.
I am blessed indeed to have Jaker Baker as my son.
P:S Bedtime was only 15 Min's later. The pop was diet. shhhhh he would never know :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
My Lil Miss
Dear: Daughter
You were such a good baby, so quit and non-demanding.
Your hair is so pretty, I just can't cut it.
You are so petite.
You have a million facial expressions and use them daily.
You are dramatic and entertaining.
You light a room when you enter.
You are very girlie. You love dresses and pretending you’re a ballerina.
You love boy shows. Like Backugan and star wars.
You love your brother, even though you bite him.
You like having your toes painted to match mine.
You always say you "I love you" and you are very affectionate.
You independent. Yet you like us to do things for you.
You were fully toilet trained within 2 days. Even through the night.
Your blue eyes, sweet smile and adorable personality melts my heart.
You would be lost without your favourite little blankie and your thumb.
You love, love, love babies.
You love puzzles.
You are good at sharing...just not with your brother.
You want to marry your brothers best friend, Tie. And you kiss and hug and chase him every time you see him and have done so since you were 2 1/2.
You love your Grandma and papa. And you call Grandma "mom" it is sweet that you love her so much.
You sleep like a starfish and snore. You look so peaceful and secure. For that I feel blessed.
I love you lil miss.
Love, mom
You were such a good baby, so quit and non-demanding.
Your hair is so pretty, I just can't cut it.
You are so petite.
You have a million facial expressions and use them daily.
You are dramatic and entertaining.
You light a room when you enter.
You are very girlie. You love dresses and pretending you’re a ballerina.
You love boy shows. Like Backugan and star wars.
You love your brother, even though you bite him.
You like having your toes painted to match mine.
You always say you "I love you" and you are very affectionate.
You independent. Yet you like us to do things for you.
You were fully toilet trained within 2 days. Even through the night.
Your blue eyes, sweet smile and adorable personality melts my heart.
You would be lost without your favourite little blankie and your thumb.
You love, love, love babies.
You love puzzles.
You are good at sharing...just not with your brother.
You want to marry your brothers best friend, Tie. And you kiss and hug and chase him every time you see him and have done so since you were 2 1/2.
You love your Grandma and papa. And you call Grandma "mom" it is sweet that you love her so much.
You sleep like a starfish and snore. You look so peaceful and secure. For that I feel blessed.
I love you lil miss.
Love, mom
My Mr. Man- Things I notice about you.
Dear: Son
You are completive.
You are strong.
You are a lover of star wars Lego.
You love snuggling and hugs
You love Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows
You love pizza and eat more then me.
You love succeeding and doing things perfectly, with zero errors
You like to quit if things don't turn out perfect.
You hate hot sauce and mushrooms and most meats.
You love going new places.
You love being outdoors.
You love people and having lots if friends. You are SO social.
You are loved by all of your peers.
You like boxer’s cause you look like your dad.
You love money, counting it, saving it, spending it.
You are a very private person.
You love your sister, even though she bites you.
You have a best friend, Tie.
You tell me you want to be married and have no kids. But never change a diaper. Ha...we will see about that one.
You are funny and silly.
You asked Jesus into your heart when you were 4. And when you are scared you always ask me to pray with you.
You love your grandparents, and for that I feel blessed.
You are built like your dad, look like your dad. But you are just like me.
You think that you are stupid, but you are so smart.
You are so very emtional. We are trying to learn to use self control.
You love to play Lacrosse.
I love you bud.
Mom.
You are completive.
You are strong.
You are a lover of star wars Lego.
You love snuggling and hugs
You love Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows
You love pizza and eat more then me.
You love succeeding and doing things perfectly, with zero errors
You like to quit if things don't turn out perfect.
You hate hot sauce and mushrooms and most meats.
You love going new places.
You love being outdoors.
You love people and having lots if friends. You are SO social.
You are loved by all of your peers.
You like boxer’s cause you look like your dad.
You love money, counting it, saving it, spending it.
You are a very private person.
You love your sister, even though she bites you.
You have a best friend, Tie.
You tell me you want to be married and have no kids. But never change a diaper. Ha...we will see about that one.
You are funny and silly.
You asked Jesus into your heart when you were 4. And when you are scared you always ask me to pray with you.
You love your grandparents, and for that I feel blessed.
You are built like your dad, look like your dad. But you are just like me.
You think that you are stupid, but you are so smart.
You are so very emtional. We are trying to learn to use self control.
You love to play Lacrosse.
I love you bud.
Mom.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Food filled Friday
Curdled. Lumpy. Grainy. Chewy. These are words that we never want to associate with cheese sauce. It seems so simple to melt cheese; yet, it's all too easy to achieve disappointing results if our technique isn't quite right. Once you know how cheese behaves at different temperatures and learn how to get around a few common pitfalls, you'll be cooking with cheese like a pro!
When cooking with cheese, there are a few important points to remember, and the rest is just details:
* The less you heat cheese, the better. When making soup, sauce, or fondue, cheese should be the very last thing you add to the mixture, then heat it only long enough to melt. Often, you can remove the pan from the burner and allow the residual heat of the sauce to melt the cheese thoroughly enough. Once you've added cheese to the mixture, never allow it to come to a boil or you will have a tough, curdled mess on your hands.
* Shred, crumble, or finely dice the cheese before heating it to ensure quick, smooth melting. (Remember that it's much easier to shred or dice cheese when it's cold.)
* Allow the shredded cheese to come to room temperature before adding it to a hot mixture.
* Starch, such as all-purpose flour, cornstarch, or potato flour, will keep the cheese from curdling. If using all-purpose flour, it should be added to the mixture before you put the cheese in, since it needs to be cooked for a few minutes to remove the starchy taste.
* Adding an acidic ingredient such as wine or lemon juice will help prevent the cheese from becoming unmanageably stringy. This is why most fondues have a base of white wine. In order to cut down on stringiness for any recipe that calls for melting cheese, simply sprinkle some lemon juice over the shredded cheese before you heat it.
* Reduced-fat cheeses have different melting characteristics than regular cheeses. They will take longer to melt and will be more tough once they have melted. So, if you're using reduced-fat cheese, be sure to shred it very finely, and allow it to melt over extremely low heat while stirring constantly. Many people who wish to reduce the fat in their sauces find that they get better results from using a smaller amount of strongly flavored regular cheese, rather than cooking with low-fat cheeses.
Gettin' Saucy
Classic cheese sauce begins with a béchamel sauce, a simple sauce made of butter, flour, milk, and a few seasonings.
To begin, you will make a roux.
* Measure out equal amounts of butter and flour.
* Dice the butter into small cubes and melt it in a saucepan over low heat.
* Once the butter is melted, begin whisking in the flour.
* When all the flour is incorporated, continue stirring and cooking for a few minutes to activate the starch granules.
* If you plan to be making a white or light-colored cheese sauce, be sure to keep the heat low enough that the roux does not brown.
* Now all you need to do is pour in the milk. If the roux is hot, the milk should be cool, but if the roux is cool, the milk should be hot. Combining the two ingredients at different temperatures ensures that they will heat up at a moderate rate--not too fast, and not too slow--ensuring a velvety-smooth sauce.
* Whisk the mixture until it is smooth, then add seasonings if you wish. The traditional seasoning for béchamel is some diced onion, a bay leaf, a couple of cloves, and a pinch of nutmeg.
* Allow the sauce to simmer until it has lost its "floury" taste (this will take about 20 minutes), then strain out any seasonings.
* Remove the pan from the heat and gently blend in the cheese. If the cheese doesn't seem to be melting sufficiently, you can return the pan to very low heat, but watch it carefully and remove as soon as the cheese is melted.
Once you've mastered the basics of making cheese sauce, you can use your expertise to make an endless variety of sauces by varying the kind of cheese you use, mixing in different herbs, spices, and veggies, and using milk, half and half, or heavy cream to alter the level of richness in the sauce.
When cooking with cheese, there are a few important points to remember, and the rest is just details:
* The less you heat cheese, the better. When making soup, sauce, or fondue, cheese should be the very last thing you add to the mixture, then heat it only long enough to melt. Often, you can remove the pan from the burner and allow the residual heat of the sauce to melt the cheese thoroughly enough. Once you've added cheese to the mixture, never allow it to come to a boil or you will have a tough, curdled mess on your hands.
* Shred, crumble, or finely dice the cheese before heating it to ensure quick, smooth melting. (Remember that it's much easier to shred or dice cheese when it's cold.)
* Allow the shredded cheese to come to room temperature before adding it to a hot mixture.
* Starch, such as all-purpose flour, cornstarch, or potato flour, will keep the cheese from curdling. If using all-purpose flour, it should be added to the mixture before you put the cheese in, since it needs to be cooked for a few minutes to remove the starchy taste.
* Adding an acidic ingredient such as wine or lemon juice will help prevent the cheese from becoming unmanageably stringy. This is why most fondues have a base of white wine. In order to cut down on stringiness for any recipe that calls for melting cheese, simply sprinkle some lemon juice over the shredded cheese before you heat it.
* Reduced-fat cheeses have different melting characteristics than regular cheeses. They will take longer to melt and will be more tough once they have melted. So, if you're using reduced-fat cheese, be sure to shred it very finely, and allow it to melt over extremely low heat while stirring constantly. Many people who wish to reduce the fat in their sauces find that they get better results from using a smaller amount of strongly flavored regular cheese, rather than cooking with low-fat cheeses.
Gettin' Saucy
Classic cheese sauce begins with a béchamel sauce, a simple sauce made of butter, flour, milk, and a few seasonings.
To begin, you will make a roux.
* Measure out equal amounts of butter and flour.
* Dice the butter into small cubes and melt it in a saucepan over low heat.
* Once the butter is melted, begin whisking in the flour.
* When all the flour is incorporated, continue stirring and cooking for a few minutes to activate the starch granules.
* If you plan to be making a white or light-colored cheese sauce, be sure to keep the heat low enough that the roux does not brown.
* Now all you need to do is pour in the milk. If the roux is hot, the milk should be cool, but if the roux is cool, the milk should be hot. Combining the two ingredients at different temperatures ensures that they will heat up at a moderate rate--not too fast, and not too slow--ensuring a velvety-smooth sauce.
* Whisk the mixture until it is smooth, then add seasonings if you wish. The traditional seasoning for béchamel is some diced onion, a bay leaf, a couple of cloves, and a pinch of nutmeg.
* Allow the sauce to simmer until it has lost its "floury" taste (this will take about 20 minutes), then strain out any seasonings.
* Remove the pan from the heat and gently blend in the cheese. If the cheese doesn't seem to be melting sufficiently, you can return the pan to very low heat, but watch it carefully and remove as soon as the cheese is melted.
Once you've mastered the basics of making cheese sauce, you can use your expertise to make an endless variety of sauces by varying the kind of cheese you use, mixing in different herbs, spices, and veggies, and using milk, half and half, or heavy cream to alter the level of richness in the sauce.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Last Chapter of my 19th year.
There were a lot of other things going on at Bible college. Like I said before this was indeed was one of the hardest years of my life. God shook me, stripped me, challenged me beyond my widest dreams. I think that I mentioned before that I was going to take this year for God. Well I always grew up being addicted to men. Needing their attention, and needing to feel close to a male. I knew this year that one of my major weaknesses were men. So I told God I didn't want to date. I did a pretty good job. I still had crushes and infatuations. Ok who am I kidding...I did brutal. I did date a guy named Kevin only for a few weeks. And then near the end of the year I dated an amazing young man. Who Really was EVERYTHING that I should have liked, and wanted in a husband. But nope...there was still something missing. I liked 2 others guys that year too. One was an amazing worship leader and the other my friend Sharalee married. HA too funny.
This whole year I felt empty, lonely, crushed, I was in constant turmoil. I had this inner struggle that I could not explain. And I turned very rebellious. I had snuck a boy into my room at college. Which was NOT allowed. We were just friends but yeah...it was still wrong. I never got caught cause it was over Thanksgiving weekend and no one was there. I broke silence curfews. ( honestly) not meaning too. I was getting into trouble every which way I turned. And not meaning too. I cheated on a test and a friend caught me and told me to tell. I never did but she never found out cause I got in trouble for something else. And she thought it was for that. I was also told that I was not allowed to go on the missions trip to China. Why?? Not many people know the real reason why. I went home to powell river with a friend. And we drank. for the first time in my life I drank and On my way home. I remembered the contract that I signed at the beginning of the year. that I would not partake in anything like that. So me being me. I volunteered that information to my professor. Well that honesty got me no where. I ended up not being allowed to go on the trip. Because I was open and honest. It sucked. Hardcore...but I drew so close to God. He really had to give me the strength to finish this year off and he did.
I stayed at the college and worked there in the spring as a cook for some camps that came to the school and then a call came into the office and asked if anyone was interested in Doing a internship as a youth pastor. there were only 3 people at the school at the time and they thought I was a good fit. So I went. And guess what. It was in the same little town that Matt lived in. Armstrong, B.C.
So guess what....Of course. We dated. HA! but me being me got bored. I really should have made that work...But I had met a young man named Garrett. The man that I fell madly in love with the first time that I met him. We were eating dinner at a Red Robins and He had me in stitches the whole time.( yes I was still dating matt.) He was sitting right next too me. And I am pretty sure that I blew him off that night. I still feel bad that I never properly ended that relationship. But....I was in love. And this young man named Garrett. I did marry.
I must add this. Even though this year was hard. It was AMAZING. I felt God in my life every second of the day. He really was stripping me of this garbage and replacing it with him. I spent MANY hours locked in the chapel playing the piano and singing my heart out to him. I remember one night my friend Jason was leading worship and we sang the song. Yes Jesus loves me. We sang it over and over. I will never forget this night. He spoke truth into my heart that night. He spoke love into my heart. And he told me that he was my father and he loved me. I fell in love with God that night. And I have been forever grateful for that hard year.
This whole year I felt empty, lonely, crushed, I was in constant turmoil. I had this inner struggle that I could not explain. And I turned very rebellious. I had snuck a boy into my room at college. Which was NOT allowed. We were just friends but yeah...it was still wrong. I never got caught cause it was over Thanksgiving weekend and no one was there. I broke silence curfews. ( honestly) not meaning too. I was getting into trouble every which way I turned. And not meaning too. I cheated on a test and a friend caught me and told me to tell. I never did but she never found out cause I got in trouble for something else. And she thought it was for that. I was also told that I was not allowed to go on the missions trip to China. Why?? Not many people know the real reason why. I went home to powell river with a friend. And we drank. for the first time in my life I drank and On my way home. I remembered the contract that I signed at the beginning of the year. that I would not partake in anything like that. So me being me. I volunteered that information to my professor. Well that honesty got me no where. I ended up not being allowed to go on the trip. Because I was open and honest. It sucked. Hardcore...but I drew so close to God. He really had to give me the strength to finish this year off and he did.
I stayed at the college and worked there in the spring as a cook for some camps that came to the school and then a call came into the office and asked if anyone was interested in Doing a internship as a youth pastor. there were only 3 people at the school at the time and they thought I was a good fit. So I went. And guess what. It was in the same little town that Matt lived in. Armstrong, B.C.
So guess what....Of course. We dated. HA! but me being me got bored. I really should have made that work...But I had met a young man named Garrett. The man that I fell madly in love with the first time that I met him. We were eating dinner at a Red Robins and He had me in stitches the whole time.( yes I was still dating matt.) He was sitting right next too me. And I am pretty sure that I blew him off that night. I still feel bad that I never properly ended that relationship. But....I was in love. And this young man named Garrett. I did marry.
I must add this. Even though this year was hard. It was AMAZING. I felt God in my life every second of the day. He really was stripping me of this garbage and replacing it with him. I spent MANY hours locked in the chapel playing the piano and singing my heart out to him. I remember one night my friend Jason was leading worship and we sang the song. Yes Jesus loves me. We sang it over and over. I will never forget this night. He spoke truth into my heart that night. He spoke love into my heart. And he told me that he was my father and he loved me. I fell in love with God that night. And I have been forever grateful for that hard year.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Food filled Friday
Ingredients
Dried Cherries, Pecans and Rosemary Brie in puff pastry
* 1/2 (17.3 ounce) package tenderflake Puff Pastry Sheets
* 1 egg
* 1 tablespoon water
* 1/3 cup dried cherries, softened*
* 1/4 cup chopped toasted pecans
* 1/4 cup honey
* 1/2 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary leaves
* 1 (13.2 ounce) round Brie cheese
* 1 box of your favorite crackers.
Directions
1. Thaw the pastry sheet at room temperature for 40 minutes or until it's easy to handle. Heat the oven to 400 degrees F. Beat the egg and water in a small bowl with a fork.
2. Unfold the pastry sheet on a lightly floured surface. Roll the pastry sheet into a 14-inch square. Stir the cherries, pecans, honey and rosemary in a small bowl. Spread the cherry mixture into the center of the pastry square. Top with the cheese round. Brush the edges of the pastry with the egg mixture. Fold two opposite sides of the pastry over the cheese. Trim the remaining two sides of the pastry square to 2-inches from the edge of the cheese. Fold the sides up onto the cheese and press the edges to seal. Place the pastry-wrapped cheese seam-side down onto a baking sheet. Brush the pastry with the egg mixture.
3. Decorate the top with pastry scraps or additional rosemary, if desired. Brush the pastry with the egg mixture.
4. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until the pastry is deep golden brown. Let stand for 45 minutes to 1 hour. Serve with the crackers.
Tip:
*To soften cherries, mix the cherries and1/2 cup hot water in a small bowl. Let stand for 1 minute. Drain and pat the cherries dry.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
19th and 20th year part two.
So there I was admitting my past. It was a huge load off of me. But what God had for me next was not easy. Forgiveness.
Not just admitting what happened but forgiving what happen What did this entail? Because I honestly came to conclusion that this person that I called mother. The one that gave me life. I hated her. And I had for so many years. It was such an odd relationship. She was the only one that I had, so I loved her. But I would have given anything to be freed from her hurtful grasp. I was so used to saying the words I forgive you after an "episode." I learned that I was saying this with my head. Not my heart. because the foulness that was coming out of my heart was rancid and ugly.
So me being me...Sassy and bold and sarcastic challenged God. yup that's right I told him fine. you want me to confronted her...to forgive her. To open up and be honest. then get me a plane ticket home. It was the time of year when everyone left. Due to it being Christmas. I was expecting to just stay at the school, cause we had no money for me to go home. Well....This is the oh so very cool part.
God said Crissy here you go. Follow through with what you told me. My friend Sharalee came into my room. She was an amazing friend who I grew very close too the first few months. She told me that her parents were awoken during the night and felt like they needed to buy a plane ticket to go to Toronto for someone to fly home to see their family. SharaLees parents didn't know me from a hole in the ground. Nor did they know of my situation. but God did and God gave them a call and they answered.
Well dang it all. God answered my challenge and here I was flying home to the women who I missed, but hated. To the women who I was going to say...What??? what am I going to say to her? To say I felt ill is a complete understatement. I wanted to die. Like how do you bring that up? Hey mom remember when you used to get your winter boots and kick the crap out of me?? remember when you used beat my arm with a meat mallet until its all swollen and bruised?? Or how about kicking me down the basemen stairs? Huh remember that? Well I forgive you. I think not. I was going to be home for 2 weeks. I will figure out.
So it was just that...I was at my mom's apartment. every night I would gather up the courage and go out into the living room and go to say something. then I would freeze. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It went on like this for the whole 2 weeks. And then I left. yup I left. I packed my bags. I drove to the airport and I didn't say a freeing word. I apologized to God over and over. I failed. And he made a way for me to go home. And I was too scared.
But....My flight was delayed. and I was sitting in the chair twiddling my thumbs. What the heck to do? I grabbed my back pack and opened to see a letter sitting on top of it. Don't open until you get back to B.C it read. And of course me being me. I opened it. Well after all I have a 2 hour delay.
Well to my surprise the very first lines wrote. Crissy honey, I have to say that I am so sorry for everything that I put you through as a child.
Wait. Hold on a moment... She is saying sorry?! I started to cry. Oik I mean BAWL. I mean the kinda of crying when snot is running down your face and your shaking like a leaf. the man next me looked at me like I was nuts and moved down a seat. I looked at him and said they are good tears don't worry.
My God, the merciful and loving God that he is, was working in my mothers heart at the same time. He already knew that I was not going to be able to say anything. but he wanted me to go home. So she could say something to me. I wasn't a coward. It wasn't my place to say anything. but hers. this was indeed the first step to healing. I did fly back to B.C and called her as soon as I got there. I told her thank you and we left it at that. We didn't talk about it much. But the process was started.
I will write more soon. But I am back and it feels good to be writing again. Thanks for reading.
Not just admitting what happened but forgiving what happen What did this entail? Because I honestly came to conclusion that this person that I called mother. The one that gave me life. I hated her. And I had for so many years. It was such an odd relationship. She was the only one that I had, so I loved her. But I would have given anything to be freed from her hurtful grasp. I was so used to saying the words I forgive you after an "episode." I learned that I was saying this with my head. Not my heart. because the foulness that was coming out of my heart was rancid and ugly.
So me being me...Sassy and bold and sarcastic challenged God. yup that's right I told him fine. you want me to confronted her...to forgive her. To open up and be honest. then get me a plane ticket home. It was the time of year when everyone left. Due to it being Christmas. I was expecting to just stay at the school, cause we had no money for me to go home. Well....This is the oh so very cool part.
God said Crissy here you go. Follow through with what you told me. My friend Sharalee came into my room. She was an amazing friend who I grew very close too the first few months. She told me that her parents were awoken during the night and felt like they needed to buy a plane ticket to go to Toronto for someone to fly home to see their family. SharaLees parents didn't know me from a hole in the ground. Nor did they know of my situation. but God did and God gave them a call and they answered.
Well dang it all. God answered my challenge and here I was flying home to the women who I missed, but hated. To the women who I was going to say...What??? what am I going to say to her? To say I felt ill is a complete understatement. I wanted to die. Like how do you bring that up? Hey mom remember when you used to get your winter boots and kick the crap out of me?? remember when you used beat my arm with a meat mallet until its all swollen and bruised?? Or how about kicking me down the basemen stairs? Huh remember that? Well I forgive you. I think not. I was going to be home for 2 weeks. I will figure out.
So it was just that...I was at my mom's apartment. every night I would gather up the courage and go out into the living room and go to say something. then I would freeze. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It went on like this for the whole 2 weeks. And then I left. yup I left. I packed my bags. I drove to the airport and I didn't say a freeing word. I apologized to God over and over. I failed. And he made a way for me to go home. And I was too scared.
But....My flight was delayed. and I was sitting in the chair twiddling my thumbs. What the heck to do? I grabbed my back pack and opened to see a letter sitting on top of it. Don't open until you get back to B.C it read. And of course me being me. I opened it. Well after all I have a 2 hour delay.
Well to my surprise the very first lines wrote. Crissy honey, I have to say that I am so sorry for everything that I put you through as a child.
Wait. Hold on a moment... She is saying sorry?! I started to cry. Oik I mean BAWL. I mean the kinda of crying when snot is running down your face and your shaking like a leaf. the man next me looked at me like I was nuts and moved down a seat. I looked at him and said they are good tears don't worry.
My God, the merciful and loving God that he is, was working in my mothers heart at the same time. He already knew that I was not going to be able to say anything. but he wanted me to go home. So she could say something to me. I wasn't a coward. It wasn't my place to say anything. but hers. this was indeed the first step to healing. I did fly back to B.C and called her as soon as I got there. I told her thank you and we left it at that. We didn't talk about it much. But the process was started.
I will write more soon. But I am back and it feels good to be writing again. Thanks for reading.
To be honest...
Deep sigh...to be honest I was starting to share all of my life's stories last year, starting with the very beginning. Then I came to a point where I had to stop. Going through all of those emotions again. Re living the moments that turned my world upside down. It was like I hit a brick wall. And because I stopped blogging I forgot all of the passwords etc. But I am ready to dig in deep and start to ponder and explore all of that again.
I left off at the second part of my 19Th and 20Th year. This was when I met Garrett. My first husband. The love of my life, the one who could make me laugh like no other. the one who taught me so much about myself.Also the one who left me broken, abandoned and rejected and un loved.
So stay tuned to the next chapter...I will be honest.
I left off at the second part of my 19Th and 20Th year. This was when I met Garrett. My first husband. The love of my life, the one who could make me laugh like no other. the one who taught me so much about myself.Also the one who left me broken, abandoned and rejected and un loved.
So stay tuned to the next chapter...I will be honest.
I'm Back!
I have been out of commssion for sometime due to stupidty. HA! I have not been able to access my account for some different reasons and they changed everytime I tried to log on. So I got it figured it out and I am taking it as a sign that I need a blog break. But I am back baby watch out!
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