age 7-13

I was living in Huntsville and was going to the Salvation army church when I decided that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I was sitting at the back of the church and marched right up to the front on my own. I obeyed what was in my heart. And I am so very thankful that I did. I felt hope. I used to live at the church practically. I felt safe there. The abuse did not stop right away, nor did the beatings lessen. My mother was still drinking but had a steady man in her life Roy. I loved him greatly. He was like a dad to me. He taught me to drive at the young age of 12. He was a great man. But he shot himself, he had suffered with depression for years. and then had enough one day and took his own life. This was hard on us both. Mom grew even more angry. I attempted to run away this year. My mom just beat the crap out of me and then 10 mins later asked me to get her some coke from the Beakers across the street. As I was walking down the hallway of our apartment building I had this urge to run. Just run I told myself. So I did. I put the change in pocket and ran as fast and as hard as I could. And as a 12 year old girl. I ran to the mall. I didn't know what else to do. I just knew I had enough. To make a long story short....The police found me, and I fabricated a story. I said I was kidnapped. I didn't want her to be angry with me. This story will never leave me. the police officer came into my room and closed the door. He sat me on my bed, while trying walk over the huge mound of clothes and toys piled into one HUGE pile in the middle of my room. You see my mother would get mad and empty out my closet, my dressers. strip my bed and pile into the middle of the room, and make me clean it up. It didn't matter if it took me all night long. So anyways.....He looked at me, and said Crissy If I catch a man by that decreption and we put him in jail, and he really didn't do anything wrong he will be in jail forever and it will be your fault. then he touched my arm and asked Is everything alright here at home? Are you safe?

I looked at him, and looked over his shoulder to see where the door knob used to be on my door, and saw her. I saw her eyes peering through the hole looking at me. I was screaming on the inside please oh please take me away. but my words spoke something different. I am fine. I love my home. There was a man in a white care that took me.
He left.....And then she went to go her winter boots on proceeded to kick me. If I screamed she hit me harder. the rage in her face, was something I could never explain. Why was this women so angry? And then a short time after...I am sorry, I love you, Please forgive me. And then things would be fine ( for awhile.)
I wish that I could rememebr some of the good things. most of the stuff I remember is the bad. So it makes it hard. I do remember having coke floats and watching movies. going for long bike rides, fishing, boating. but Most of all I remember the pain. I remember her drowning my cats in the bathtub, wrapping it in a garbage and making me take it to the dumpster to dispose of it. I can't even count how many times that happened.
this same year.....When I was 12. I tried to kill my own mother. She does not know this, but I tried to put rubbing alchoal in one of her drinks in hope that it would kill her. She just tasted it and said it was bad and threw it out, and of course it would not kill her. But I had it in my head that I wanted her to die. Sad I know. But true. This year was my breaking point. And I know without a doubt that God does not give us more then what we can's handle. Because when I was 13. She beat me again, and honestly something inside of my snapped. I went crazy. I started kicking and hitting and yelling back, and from that day on. She stopped. She never layed a hand on me again. Was it cause I fought back? Or was it cause God knew I was done? I could not take another moment of her hurting me like that. So I believe with my whole heart that God allowed a great change in her. this was the begining to new things.

Do I take the time?

I believe that sometimes I rush,rush,rush and don't take the time. Take the time to do what?? Do I take the time to listen? really listen? Am I so consumed in my own life and creating my check list for the day that I rush right by opportunity's? Do I know how to love others? Do I show that I love others? Do my friends know that I love and value them not just because I say I do, but by my actions? Do my children know that I love and value them, and not just because I say I do, but because I show them? Does my church family know that I love and value them? Not because I say I do, but because of my actions.
Do I stop, and listen?
Do I wrap my arms around them?
Do I forgot about my own agenda and check list?
Do I help where I can?
Do I hear a need and say oh I will pray for you ( again words) or do I try and help with my actions?
Am I living out my love? Am I living out my faith? by my actions???????
Huh.....A thought to ponder.

Early years.

I was born in Kitchener Waterloo, Ontario. I was 7lbs7oz. born at 11:07a.m. My mother said I was always happy and smiling. I only cried if something was wrong. My parents were married at this time, but divorced when I was 18 months old. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I lived with my mother, and I saw my father on rare occasions. Always on our birthday. That's right... We shared that in common. Sept 16th our birth date. I have a half sister Peggy. I don't ever remember her living with us. Nor do I have any memories of her. We are 15 years apart. She left home to live with her dad at the age of 15. My father got remarried and had a son. So I also have a half brother I did not know his name. He is 9 years younger then me.

My mom and I moved around a lot. I counted how many different schools I attended I believe it to be around 16. I almost failed kindergarten because I did not know how to share. But they passed me, but I did fail grade two. This was the year that we received a phone call from a women saying that my father had died in a car accident, while drinking and driving. I remember coming home and seeing my mother in tears. But we did not go to the funeral and we did not see any of my dad's side of the family ever again. This same year My sister stopped visiting, and disappeared. The letters that we would send would come back to us. So all contact was lost. It was just my mother and I. Forever. No relatives to be heard of. My mother came from a orphanage so she did not have any family.

Life as I knew it was different from all of my friends. I grew up in a home where the one and only person I had in my life physically abused me. She was to be my protector and safety net. I loved her and hated her all at once. I wanted someone to take me away. but the thought of loosing her killed me. For who else who I have? I used to sit in the window and cry wishing that my dad was still alive, then he could rescue me. But no, I was left there alone to cover the bruises.
Not only was abuse part of it, but she was very strict. I was not allowed sleep overs. rarely allowed to go to friends houses. Not allowed to go to dances, hang out with boys. join a sports team. except what she wanted me to do. like bowling. Or swimming. I had to do everything with my mom. I believe that I was her only friend. this was hard. hearing and seeing grown up things. dealing with grown up problems. All I ever wanted was to just be a kid. no worries in the world.
As a child I hide things very well. I was very sly. I began to steal from my friends and money from my mom. I used to lie ALL the time. About everything. I used to lie because I was afraid. I lied so I would not get into trouble. I would lie to protect my mom. Lying became a huge apart of who I was, and became very natural. I started getting very aggressive with my friends. if they did not listen I would hurt them. and then threaten them to not tell. I was a sweet little blond haired angel on the exterior and a hurting angry girl on the inside. I used to bite kids, slap my girlfriends across the face. Yeah thinking back. Wow...I don't know how anyone stood being around me.
I used to sleep on bunk beds surrounded by stuffed animals I felt protected. and I would sleep in the midst of them all. Funny thing now though. I HATE stuffed animals and I hate my children receiving them. I immediately want to throw them out. bad memory I guess.
I used to love school, because it got me out of the house. I was not the greatest at school, not because I was not smart enough. I just saw it as a place where I could be social. I think every report card I had, said I talked to much. I was craving for attention from people. School was very much a social place for me.

One day my mother was upset about something I can't quite remember about what. I was in the kitchen and she grabbed a meat mallet and started hitting my arm with it until it swelled up and then tossed me down the stairs to the basement. This was a my place. I always was in the basement playing. And I remember clear as day. God speaking to me. I was about 6 or 7. I was holding my arm crying and asking out loud why?? Why do I get hurt all the time. And at this time I was not a Christian, but I heard God speak to me. He told me that this was not my fault. And the reason why I got hit is because my mommy was hit when she was small, she didn't know any better. So from the very early years of my life I understood I was not to blame. God never allowed me to have insecurity problems or blame myself about any of it.
I thank God that he gave me such an amazing understanding at such an early age. That year I became a Christian.

More to come..............

Tapping into something Greater then coffee in the mornings.

I am by nature not a morning person. Things can go sour for me very quickly. If I let them. Like this morning. I woke up earlier then normal to attack some extra baking tasks for some commitments that I have made. No worries I love to bake. One batch of cupcakes and one batch of rice krispies coming right up. I start. I hear the kids playing. Jake in his room. Chloe with her dad.

Then not even 5 min's later. Chloe comes in the kitchen covered head to toe in toothpaste. Argh. I change her and then again 5mins later she is coming upstairs from the basement that is COVERED in drywall dust and Yes I have to change her again. Due to the white poweder covering her new outfit. I yell to Jacob. Come and get dressed for school. Shoot I gotta make his lunch still. and get dressed. And Yeah I should brush my teeth. So the rush and the frustration level is rising. I come out of Jacobs room to head to the kitchen again to tackle the baking, to see that my lovely little two year has found the diaper bag and the cheerios that were in it. oh did I say in it or did I say covering the front entrance?? Grab her again now wash the snot that is covering her face and making her bangs stick to her forehead. Argh!!!!!
Go faster I am telling myself. you still have the check list and only 22 mins left.

So why are somedays worse then other??? Not too sure. But I stopped I called a friend to come pick up the cupcakes to deliever for me instead of waking the the little monster from her nap, and from rushing around. Yes I thought a coffee is what I need so I did make one, but I thought to myslef. Wow I litterally jumped out of bed and started with the check list. God just knocked on my heart and said slow down, and include me in your check list. So I did that. I stopped and prayed. Not a long one, but one that I gave him my day and my plans and my check list.
Now....I can drink my cup of coffee.

Three things I love about... Chloe

1. She has such a sweet personality She says hi to EVERYONE! including the manikins in the store front windows. She is more then willing to give a high five a hug, and even kisses. She does not have a shy bone in her body. She is so full of smiles and giggles. She makes me laugh daily. And brightens my spirits. My little Boo.

2. I love that she is built from the inside out to be a momma. She loves, loves, loves babies and dolls. and cooking and cleaning. It is so cute. She grabs her diaper change mat, diaper cream and diaper and does the whole routine with her babies. SO cute. I can't wait to see her be a mom one day.
3. I love my little red head full of bouncy curls. She is ready to dance and clap and sing. She loves to cuddle in the rocking chair and pretend that she is snoring. She loves palying hide and seek with her brother. So far...she is the coolest 2 year old I know.

Three things I love about... Jacob

1. I love that he is active. He loves to run, we entered a 1km race last Summer when he was 3. It was so cute to see that he never stopped once for a break. He ran last spring with me all the time. He loves sports and yes like a typical boy, loves to jump, climb and be rough and tumble. He loves to be outside and playing. I am just thankful that is not addicted to video games or the computer or t.v ( yet )

2. I love his curve for learning. He loves to do "homework" read and color and create. He loves learning his letters and numbers. He loves school and is doing VERY well. We were worried, As pre school did not go so well. but So far. Jacob has a love to learn. We do school work almost everyday with him and he thrives of off it. He is smart, and is creative.

3. That he is competitive. Now I do love this about him, but it is also a huge challenge for us. Thomas and I are also very competitive. We are actually trying to tone it down with Jacob. I hate to admit this. But sometimes I cheat at a game because I want him to learn that it is o.k to loose. But he loves to win. He has a goal to do well and finish and finish first. I like seeing passion in his eyes. But as I said we do need to work on it being o.k to not win everything. I guess it is a hard concept to get.

Three things I love about... Thomas

1. His sleflessness- Thomas does everything in his will power to put his family needs before his own. From getting up every morning @ 4:30 a.m to go for his daily run. So he can be back in time to be up with the kids at 6, and let me sleep in till 7:30. He cleans ALL the time, he has taken on the kitchen as his "thing" polish the stove,fridge,dishwasher. He will play with the kids when he tired. He will rub my neck everynight, to ensure my comfort. Sometimes to fault he thinks of us more often then himself.
2. His Determination- He loves running and is amazing at it. He runs 7 days a week. No if's and's or buts. Unless of course I am sick then he misses. But will run twice in one day to catch up. He runs in the winter even if you can't see outside. I thankful for his new grip shoes. So he does not fall anymore. :-) He is bound and determined to improve his health so he is around longer. he has lost around 50lbs. ( I won't mention that he has the same waist as me.)
3. His love for children-He always says that he loves them. And cuddles and hugs and kisses them. He plays with them. He sings to them. He prays with them. He puts his kids first. He is patient and kind with them. And seeing them run to him every night yelling "daddy" and wrapping their little arms around his legs. Shows they value him as well. He does NOT put work in front of his kids. He come home for lunches and is here for dinner. Family is so important to Thomas and I am forever grateful.