Showing Grace- Something you do well my son.

Today Jacob I was proud to call you my son. You were leaning against the chain link fence, like it was no big deal, and you might not have even mentioned it. And if you did...It probably would have come up over dinner and you would have shrugged it off like it was nothing.
But you Jacob, God has given you a precious gift. You are a boy through and through. But god has equipped you with an understanding. Your not a wimp, and afraid of things. Your not afraid to speak your mind. Yet, you have this amazing ability to extend grace when really it's not deserved. I guess that's the true meaning of grace now isn't. But I have watched you suck it up. Not in a bad way. Not in a way that you are going to need counselling in 10 years. You take it and understand it and move on. You smile at him. you greet him each time you see him. You have this ability to love the unlovable. You aren't mean in return. Your words are kind and not harsh. You run away instead of throwing a punch back, and 9 times out of 10 when they try and chase you. They loose, can you a runner! Today hearing you got punched again and chased after and had hand sanitizer smashed into your hair. You didn't retaliate.
You had me in tears after school walking home. This you know cause I couldn't stop saying to you how proud I am of you. Now some may think, that you are gonna get walked all over. But I don't believe that. because I see your classmates and you get this respect for whatever reason. every time we are out. A friend is shouting hi. You hang your head low, in a humble matter and with a little wave of our hand. You say hi.
 even if its the boy who has been treating you so poorly. You treat everyone the same.
I pray that never changes about you. Love the unlovable. Cause like you and I have said. They are the ones that need our love the most.
Jacob, I am proud to call you my son. I love you!

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Do I really and truly believe with my whole heart what I proclaim to believe in? Do my actions match my heart?
Lately, I have been wondering, questioning, not doubting but, curious and searching. What am I here for? Really?? Why do we go through the things that we do? And how do we take those things and run into his arms? And the let the light of the world embrace us?

I don't feel like the same person. I feel distant and lost and swallowed up. I feel empty and lonely. And I Have for some time now. Sad. I feel sad. My inner most being feels sad.

I met a new friend a few weeks ago and as we are sitting on the beach. She mentioned something to me that will never leave me. Why do you think you entitiled to that? was her question. WOW was my first thought. a very bold comment. I took a breath and it ran deep threw my veins. She is right. I have sat here thinking, why??? Why could I not have a normal mom. A normal family? Why do I long for that so much? Why do I think that I am entitled to it? 
I am so good at saying the right thing. I am also good at saying somethings with my head and not my heart.
I pretend I am fine. I pretend I don't have a care and that I have all together. why?
I pretend that its ok and I say that God has a plan ( which I know he does.) but...I don't understand why? Why can't I let it all go?

Just some thoughts running threw my mind today. Today is blah. Sad..And blah