A song of remembrance- Tomorrow

This was the very first movie I saw and I loved, loved, loved this song. http://youtu.be/Yop62wQH498
Do you remember the little red haired girl named Annie?

A song of remembrance- Animal crackers in my soup

I loved this song as a child. I remember my mom buying me this tape. Yes again a tape!! And gues what...I sing it to my kids. Chloe loves singing it in the bath tub!
http://youtu.be/vnZ3duEwQ-M

And this one too!!! I loved this album. SO silly. but fun!
http://youtu.be/waF6YIsNaks

A song of remembrance

http://youtu.be/uHooH4464dQThis song reminds of my first love Rob. He was helping me pack to leave for collage and it honestly was like a movie. It was raining and as I pulled away, I looked in the rear view mirror to see him standing there. in the pouring rain. Of course I was bawling. My friend was with me. We were driving out West together. Well her friend made her a tape. Yes a cassette tape. ( I am that old.) and this was the song playing as we pulled away. I will never forget that moment

To yell or not to yell...That is the question.

 Does yelling, or screaming or raising your voice work? In my home it does not. So why oh why do I do?

I can't even tell you how many times I have started my morning with the right intentions. I do the whole self talk thing. Crissy you will be patient. You will be slow to anger. You will not yell today. 

I really have embraced, as my right, the simple right to express my anger. I Don't beat them. I don't lock them up  (even though I may want to at times. Lock them up that is.) So I surely do get the right to loose my mind, right?


If I have the right to loose my cool and yell so loud that I hurt my throat. I should get some satisfaction right? Wrong! I would say 9 times out of 10 I end up in my room bawling my eyes. I feel guilty. I feel sick. I feel ashamed. I then have to tap on the door, with my head hung low and ask for forgiveness. It really is hard to admit your wrong doing's. 

I then follow that into my room, enter into the bathroom take a look into the mirror and ask myself. Who? Who is this person? And Why? Why can't I control my anger? Deep sigh.

And really, Does me screaming help the situation? Does it help my kidlets listen better or feel loved and secure? I am sure that it makes them feel the complete opposite. In fact I know from experience that it does indeed do the opposite.


So I would like to declare. I am not going to yell anymore. This is going to be SO easy for me. Nah, its going to be hard. VERY hard. You see, I am the person that has a type A personality and I have Small, OK HUGE control issues. I also come from a family with a long line of Anger. But I will save that for another post :)
Here's to my challenge. Wish me luck and pray for me to change the tone of my house. I will let you know how I do....How I honestly do.
Cheers, and Blessings

Watch your tone!

Watch your tone!

Guess what I am NOT talking about my kids. I am talking to myself. 

It’s been so easy for anger or defensiveness to creep into my words. When I stop and think about it, I often ask Lil man and Lil miss something, already assuming it will be a battle, and that shows in the way I speak. How can I expect them to do what I ask when my tone is already telling them they don’t want to? How can I expect them to reply in an appropriate manner when I have already set the tone for the conversation with the first words that came out of my mouth? Sometmes I hear myself talking angry, when really, I am not ( yet ) This week I have been really thinking, pondering, digging deep within myself. I have been trying to be honest. Is this the tone that I want set for my household? And Honestly ladies, Mothers. wives. We are the tone setters in our home.
I have watched it over and over and over again. I walk in the door from work. Grab the lunch bags clean them. Look at the agenda's, fill out the forms. Start dinner, break up a couple of fights in the living room. Nag to start the homework as I start to cook dinner. Clean up the bowl of yogort that was spilt on the newly cleaned carpets. Go back to the burning  Cooking dinner. I can feel my blood pressure raising with each incident. Than Mr.man walks in the door. I am standing at the stove. with a stand offish tone. I am talking with an irratated tone. I am conveying a nasty tone. So what happens? Unless I can calm myself down. It trickles down the line. Mr.man feels the tension and it carry's over to the dinner table.

I am not o.k with this. I am not with any of it. I am not ok with the tone that I set. 

I am the catalyst for change and if I want my family’s conversation to be kind, understanding, and pleasent then every time I open my own mouth I need to hear those words in my head…And speak them. 

It’s not going to be easy for me. There are a few hard truths that I will need to face. 

I need to tackle our routine and my own personal time management. And got off of FB.
I need to find joy and peace in looking after our home. Because sometimes everything seems pointless and mundane.
 
I need to give myself freely to the joy of being with my children when they need me. I need to stop being selfsih and sit down and play playdoh.

I need to extend ‘my tone’ beyond my children to my husband and to myself. 

I am not saying that I want a perfect home. Where things will always be gum drops and lolipops. It won't be a home where everyone is happy all of the time. It's not a home where the wheels never fall off. But it is a home that manages the set backs, the frustrations and the disasters, big and small, with grace and love.
I want to live in that home. I want to set the tone for that home. 


 

The life as a School bus driver

    I started a new job Last February working for Wallwin electric. I was going to have the summers off and only work from 9:30-2:30 Perfect eh. YES! I honestly fell in love with the staff and company the very first hour. But I took this lovely job thinking that Chloe was going to be full time Jk this past Sept. but things changed. Our school is going to full time till 2012. So I had a dilemma on my hands. I didn't want to pay out 300.00 in gas and 400.00 in Daycare it was pointless. So I had to turn down that amazing opportunity. I must admit it was harder then I thought. I was in tears at the thought of leaving and During the same time I was approached by my aunt to drive bus. I was feeling so prideful and was thinking ya right. Drive a freaking school bus. I wanna work at Wallwin. Well I put my classic list making skills in to practice and weighed the pros and con's.

And of course who won...Driving the school bus. :( I was sad until the pride set in. I was kinda embarrassed at the idea of it, and I had no idea why. Something that I tell my youth group and my children and heck even my friends. Its really hard to judge someone or something if you get to know them or it. Because you learn their story. So I thought, OK Crissy. before you judge everyone and this job. Learn about it. give it a chance. So I did.

I applied and devoted my whole summer to train. To my surprise...The training was intense and a very informative course. I am now a professional driver with a class B licence. I did have a hard time with the videos that we had to watch on numerous accidents and bullying video's because believe it or not. That's where it starts. On the bus. I grew more and more nervous about being responsible for 66 children on my bus and over 30 families entrusting me with there precious little treasures. So I take it seriously. VERY seriously.

 So what have I learned about driving bus?  That It is one tough job. As the driver I am to watch every aspect of the road. Every driver, pedestrians  and to always expect the unexpected.

We are sometimes the first face that a child See's that morning. So I must always be kind and gracious and smile and greet. I only have the kids on my bus for 1 hour and tens minutes a day. So its hard to get to know each child.( but I try ) its hard to know what's going on between the lines. yet I have to discipline. Like a parent we need to lay the law down out of love, and try to extend grace. 

So what do you need to know about bus drivers?? This job is a lot more stressful than one would think. especially if you have one that cares. You see...we deal with behaviours and attitudes without having a real good chance to know the kids and their backgrounds. We say have a great weekend or have a good night and get no responses back. It is a pretty thankless job. And Driving in the winter sucks. So if we are late lots. Don't be mad. Just know that we want to get your little treasures home safely. 

So what I have learned to love about driving bus.

Well Chloe had a hard time her first month of school so I was able to be in her class during the morning to help her transition. I am home on sick days with them. I am home on holidays and P.A days. And I get the summer off. I am able to bring in some extra cash and still be a momma. Which is my number one priority. 

I also love getting to know the kids on the bus. And seeing them in school and have them wave or say hey Crissy. It really does provide for our family and gives me the freedom to do the household things. 

So I am not ashamed to say I am driving bus. I am blessed to be driving the bus.

Family day in 2009- A story I had found about Jaker

On family day this year we went to a friend's house. And Our son's went out side for a quick play. As we were sitting at the table drinking a warm cup of coffee I looked out the window, and noticed that my son was climbing the hill outside attempting to drag a G.T up the hill. I sat back and smiled watching him take a few steps and then take a seat. Then stand up and keep dragging that thing up the hill. He was struggling. But he was strong, he was persistent and was determined to make to the top of that hill. A year ago Jacob would have been very frustrated and probably would have given up, but I was watching this 4 year old boy climb. I could not tell if he yelled for his friend Eli or not, but Eli showed up and came down to Jacob to help him the rest of the way. He carried the heavy load for him, and then they both got on and drove down the hill. Jacob was not upset that he did not get the front, but was content letting someone take the drivers seat. and he enjoyed the ride.

Our burden’s weren’t meant to lay upon our shoulders for a long period of time. We were meant to ask for help, and to receive the help, and to climb to the top victoriously. And then Allow God to take the drivers seat of our lives. And hop on and enjoy the ride.

Life’s struggles can be overwhelming at times and hard to shoulder. But remember to keep getting up, and keep being strong. And ask for help. And then Give control to him. For he cares for you.

My heart whispers....Your tired of being let down.

I was sitting in church on Sunday with tears streaming down my face. What is your heart whispering? Shane ( my pastor ) was asking us why are you angry? 
( not just to me, was he asking this question.) but it felt like it was SO directed to wards me. ever have those moments?? Take off the mask, and look deep. Ask God, he will tell you. 

Well in my life I have had several reasons to be angry and I do believe that I have lived my life hanging on to the thing that felt like home. 
( anger ) Sounds weird?? Yeah kinda.  

On the outside you wouldn't see it. You wouldn't think that I was the type to get easily angered. Well I am. I annoy very easily. ( something that I detest about myself ) I hide it well. I have several different masks. I even wear the mask in front of myself. I didn't notice until 4 years ago how angry I really was. Saying that. God has been stripping that off. It is taking so much longer than I thought it would, but My heart is healing. 
But....this Sunday. God spoke quietly. I almost didn't hear him. I stopped singing. I raised my hands. feeling kinda desperate for some reason. 

I took off the mask. And I heard. Crissy you are tired of being let down. My heart spoke loud and clear. I sighed a very heavy and deep sigh. Yes. Yes I am tired of being let down. I am tired of being hurt by the ones that are suppose to be there for me, and protect me. At that moment, God brought to my mind some names. I began to cry. I have not been able to let it go. And when I think of their names I get mad on the inside and I mull over everything. Even relationships from over 10 years ago. 

*Deep sigh*

 x Husband -Why did he not want me to go back to B.C? How did he walk away so easily?  First husband gave up. Yes I feel let down.

Old BF- Best friend for years. walked away and judged me because I wasn't living the way that she thought that I should be. Wasn't invited to her wedding. which was crushing. Yes I feel let down.  

Mom- Yes in almost every area...Yes I feel let down.

Dad-  Why did you give up searching for me? Why do you live so far away? Yes I feel let down.

Friends- Why am I always the one to reach out? If I don't I never get a phone call. Yes I feel let down.  


Church- Yup...I feel let down.


Myself- Yes I feel like I have let myself down. I didn't do the things that I should have. Out of selfishness and fear. 

God- I felt ripped off. In almost every aspect of my life. 


So what now? What do you do with the whispers of a heart? Guess what my first reaction was...Yup, you guessed it. I was angry. I walked home from Church and was mad. But I need to get to that spot. Where I can let it all go. Where I can let the let downs of life go. And focus on the positive. 


What is your heart whispering? Can you take off your mask long enough to hear?