age 7-13

I was living in Huntsville and was going to the Salvation army church when I decided that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I was sitting at the back of the church and marched right up to the front on my own. I obeyed what was in my heart. And I am so very thankful that I did. I felt hope. I used to live at the church practically. I felt safe there. The abuse did not stop right away, nor did the beatings lessen. My mother was still drinking but had a steady man in her life Roy. I loved him greatly. He was like a dad to me. He taught me to drive at the young age of 12. He was a great man. But he shot himself, he had suffered with depression for years. and then had enough one day and took his own life. This was hard on us both. Mom grew even more angry. I attempted to run away this year. My mom just beat the crap out of me and then 10 mins later asked me to get her some coke from the Beakers across the street. As I was walking down the hallway of our apartment building I had this urge to run. Just run I told myself. So I did. I put the change in pocket and ran as fast and as hard as I could. And as a 12 year old girl. I ran to the mall. I didn't know what else to do. I just knew I had enough. To make a long story short....The police found me, and I fabricated a story. I said I was kidnapped. I didn't want her to be angry with me. This story will never leave me. the police officer came into my room and closed the door. He sat me on my bed, while trying walk over the huge mound of clothes and toys piled into one HUGE pile in the middle of my room. You see my mother would get mad and empty out my closet, my dressers. strip my bed and pile into the middle of the room, and make me clean it up. It didn't matter if it took me all night long. So anyways.....He looked at me, and said Crissy If I catch a man by that decreption and we put him in jail, and he really didn't do anything wrong he will be in jail forever and it will be your fault. then he touched my arm and asked Is everything alright here at home? Are you safe?

I looked at him, and looked over his shoulder to see where the door knob used to be on my door, and saw her. I saw her eyes peering through the hole looking at me. I was screaming on the inside please oh please take me away. but my words spoke something different. I am fine. I love my home. There was a man in a white care that took me.
He left.....And then she went to go her winter boots on proceeded to kick me. If I screamed she hit me harder. the rage in her face, was something I could never explain. Why was this women so angry? And then a short time after...I am sorry, I love you, Please forgive me. And then things would be fine ( for awhile.)
I wish that I could rememebr some of the good things. most of the stuff I remember is the bad. So it makes it hard. I do remember having coke floats and watching movies. going for long bike rides, fishing, boating. but Most of all I remember the pain. I remember her drowning my cats in the bathtub, wrapping it in a garbage and making me take it to the dumpster to dispose of it. I can't even count how many times that happened.
this same year.....When I was 12. I tried to kill my own mother. She does not know this, but I tried to put rubbing alchoal in one of her drinks in hope that it would kill her. She just tasted it and said it was bad and threw it out, and of course it would not kill her. But I had it in my head that I wanted her to die. Sad I know. But true. This year was my breaking point. And I know without a doubt that God does not give us more then what we can's handle. Because when I was 13. She beat me again, and honestly something inside of my snapped. I went crazy. I started kicking and hitting and yelling back, and from that day on. She stopped. She never layed a hand on me again. Was it cause I fought back? Or was it cause God knew I was done? I could not take another moment of her hurting me like that. So I believe with my whole heart that God allowed a great change in her. this was the begining to new things.