So there I was admitting my past. It was a huge load off of me. But what God had for me next was not easy. Forgiveness.
Not just admitting what happened but forgiving what happen What did this entail? Because I honestly came to conclusion that this person that I called mother. The one that gave me life. I hated her. And I had for so many years. It was such an odd relationship. She was the only one that I had, so I loved her. But I would have given anything to be freed from her hurtful grasp. I was so used to saying the words I forgive you after an "episode." I learned that I was saying this with my head. Not my heart. because the foulness that was coming out of my heart was rancid and ugly.
So me being me...Sassy and bold and sarcastic challenged God. yup that's right I told him fine. you want me to confronted her...to forgive her. To open up and be honest. then get me a plane ticket home. It was the time of year when everyone left. Due to it being Christmas. I was expecting to just stay at the school, cause we had no money for me to go home. Well....This is the oh so very cool part.
God said Crissy here you go. Follow through with what you told me. My friend Sharalee came into my room. She was an amazing friend who I grew very close too the first few months. She told me that her parents were awoken during the night and felt like they needed to buy a plane ticket to go to Toronto for someone to fly home to see their family. SharaLees parents didn't know me from a hole in the ground. Nor did they know of my situation. but God did and God gave them a call and they answered.
Well dang it all. God answered my challenge and here I was flying home to the women who I missed, but hated. To the women who I was going to say...What??? what am I going to say to her? To say I felt ill is a complete understatement. I wanted to die. Like how do you bring that up? Hey mom remember when you used to get your winter boots and kick the crap out of me?? remember when you used beat my arm with a meat mallet until its all swollen and bruised?? Or how about kicking me down the basemen stairs? Huh remember that? Well I forgive you. I think not. I was going to be home for 2 weeks. I will figure out.
So it was just that...I was at my mom's apartment. every night I would gather up the courage and go out into the living room and go to say something. then I would freeze. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It went on like this for the whole 2 weeks. And then I left. yup I left. I packed my bags. I drove to the airport and I didn't say a freeing word. I apologized to God over and over. I failed. And he made a way for me to go home. And I was too scared.
But....My flight was delayed. and I was sitting in the chair twiddling my thumbs. What the heck to do? I grabbed my back pack and opened to see a letter sitting on top of it. Don't open until you get back to B.C it read. And of course me being me. I opened it. Well after all I have a 2 hour delay.
Well to my surprise the very first lines wrote. Crissy honey, I have to say that I am so sorry for everything that I put you through as a child.
Wait. Hold on a moment... She is saying sorry?! I started to cry. Oik I mean BAWL. I mean the kinda of crying when snot is running down your face and your shaking like a leaf. the man next me looked at me like I was nuts and moved down a seat. I looked at him and said they are good tears don't worry.
My God, the merciful and loving God that he is, was working in my mothers heart at the same time. He already knew that I was not going to be able to say anything. but he wanted me to go home. So she could say something to me. I wasn't a coward. It wasn't my place to say anything. but hers. this was indeed the first step to healing. I did fly back to B.C and called her as soon as I got there. I told her thank you and we left it at that. We didn't talk about it much. But the process was started.
I will write more soon. But I am back and it feels good to be writing again. Thanks for reading.
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