My heart whispers....Your tired of being let down.

I was sitting in church on Sunday with tears streaming down my face. What is your heart whispering? Shane ( my pastor ) was asking us why are you angry? 
( not just to me, was he asking this question.) but it felt like it was SO directed to wards me. ever have those moments?? Take off the mask, and look deep. Ask God, he will tell you. 

Well in my life I have had several reasons to be angry and I do believe that I have lived my life hanging on to the thing that felt like home. 
( anger ) Sounds weird?? Yeah kinda.  

On the outside you wouldn't see it. You wouldn't think that I was the type to get easily angered. Well I am. I annoy very easily. ( something that I detest about myself ) I hide it well. I have several different masks. I even wear the mask in front of myself. I didn't notice until 4 years ago how angry I really was. Saying that. God has been stripping that off. It is taking so much longer than I thought it would, but My heart is healing. 
But....this Sunday. God spoke quietly. I almost didn't hear him. I stopped singing. I raised my hands. feeling kinda desperate for some reason. 

I took off the mask. And I heard. Crissy you are tired of being let down. My heart spoke loud and clear. I sighed a very heavy and deep sigh. Yes. Yes I am tired of being let down. I am tired of being hurt by the ones that are suppose to be there for me, and protect me. At that moment, God brought to my mind some names. I began to cry. I have not been able to let it go. And when I think of their names I get mad on the inside and I mull over everything. Even relationships from over 10 years ago. 

*Deep sigh*

 x Husband -Why did he not want me to go back to B.C? How did he walk away so easily?  First husband gave up. Yes I feel let down.

Old BF- Best friend for years. walked away and judged me because I wasn't living the way that she thought that I should be. Wasn't invited to her wedding. which was crushing. Yes I feel let down.  

Mom- Yes in almost every area...Yes I feel let down.

Dad-  Why did you give up searching for me? Why do you live so far away? Yes I feel let down.

Friends- Why am I always the one to reach out? If I don't I never get a phone call. Yes I feel let down.  


Church- Yup...I feel let down.


Myself- Yes I feel like I have let myself down. I didn't do the things that I should have. Out of selfishness and fear. 

God- I felt ripped off. In almost every aspect of my life. 


So what now? What do you do with the whispers of a heart? Guess what my first reaction was...Yup, you guessed it. I was angry. I walked home from Church and was mad. But I need to get to that spot. Where I can let it all go. Where I can let the let downs of life go. And focus on the positive. 


What is your heart whispering? Can you take off your mask long enough to hear?