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      We just got home from my lil man's hockey game. And I am now snuggled on my bed hugging a warm cup of hot chocolate. What is it about the warmth of a cup that makes my heart want to share? Maybe its just the fact that it makes me slow down. To ponder the things that have been consuming my mind. I need slowness, I need time to reflect. Today is one of those days. My mind has been so crammed full and with no release. 

I have been in tears a lot lately. Daily, actually. I am sad. 

       I am the type of person that likes to fix things, and yes, I admit I am a bit of a control freak.There are so many things in my life right now that I wish that I had that magic wand to wave to make everything right again. Life has been so overwhelming, draining and busy. And sometimes just unexplainable, and unfixable. And I don't handle any of those things well.

   So here I sit, at the end of my rope. Wishing for a way out. Wondering if the sweet Lord Jesus would come back today, I would willinging offer to go. 

   I am tired of people. More so, I am tired of people hurting me. For whatever reason the people that I am closest to, the ones that I am suppose to lean on, the ones that are to love me to the ends of the earth. Are the very ones who let me down. The human race sucks! I sometimes understand and think that living as hermit as its benefits.

     Yet, I always loved people. I loved mingling and chatting and going for coffee and chatting. I am withdrawing more and more. And no one notices and no one cares.

     I don't really have a relationship with my parents. I don't have a relationship with my siblings. I don't really have any friends. Sure I have the people that come to me with their problems and worries and life's struggles. But no one stops to listen to my heart. No one is ever there for me. 

    I know I sound so selfish. So me, me, me. I am really not trying to be. I guess the best word to describe it is... Lonely. I am so incredibly lonely.

     I want depth. I want love. I want to be cherished. I want to be noticed. I want to  feel like I am appreciated, and that I matter. I am always on the low end of the Totem pole in peoples priorities list.

     What is it about me that people can't love? Do you know that I ask myself this question almost daily. What is it that makes people leave. Or even worse...stay, but not invest. 

     My mom, She hurt me for years. Until this past year. I have finally shut her out emotionally. 

      My dad, Well he doesn't really know me. We missed so many years together ( over 2 decades.) And our lives are separate , Not knowing how to really to connect them. And with little effort on his part. and now...Little on mine. 
The same story goes with my 3 Half siblings. 

Friends....What friends?

Children, Jake hates me and tells me that daily. 

Husband, Disconnected and busy and priorities are else where. I thought It was the running....I guess not.

I want to feel like someones princess. My ex husband. Garrett used to call me his princess, and then left me. 

I wish that I could understand whats wrong with me. I have asked a million times for wisdom and an understanding. And nothing. 

Sigh....I am tired. I am so tired of trying I honestly just want to curl up and hide. I wish this horrible feeling would leave. 

bye for now.