The truth is....it hasn't been easy.

I stated in a my blog post a last week about being intentional, well this is one of the tools that has been helping me. The power of a praying wife by Stormie O'Martian. I have been getting up early in the mornings and hitting the new gazebo, nestled in my muskoka chair. With my cup of Joe next to me. I have made it out every morning except yesterday. I was up all night hacking up a lung, so I slept through the alarm. ( if only I had this amount of determination when it came to getting up early to work out....OK lets not even go there.) One step at a time right?!

     Anyways , today I am outside, Lil miss is having her nap. And Mr.Man is at the park with some friends. I have a cup of coffee on the left arm of my chair and a bag of Veggies on the right. So what does one do now with these few precious moments of silence? I am reflecting, and wanting to share with you a little tid bit of whats being going on here in the Hesch Household.

     Its easy to say that I have been struggling. This past year for us has been very hard. The better half has made some changes in his career, good changes mind you. But still changes. Myself starting and ending a new job. Chloe starting School and having a very hard time with it until December. Mom moved out West. Have barely seen my family this past year. We lost our pastor at our church. I stopped leading youth group.
( something that I had been doing for the last 4 years.) And actually for the last 2 months we haven't being going to church anywhere. We have tried a couple of different churches but Haven't felt that any of them really clicked. So we wait My daily routine of having quiet time and my devo time has gone to wayside as well, I had one prayer in my prayer journal in a month. Something that I am not proud of, but it is true. And we have also had a recent Diagnosis  in the household. Mr. Man was Diagnosed with ODD. Which it is a relief in one way that we finally know that we are not crazy. But it has left us with a lot of questions. And Dealing with the constant outbursts is more than draining. So....Where has this left the better half and I? I wish I could type that we have strong and have come out on the top, But we have struggled too. At the end of the day. We are tired, irritated, drained and left with nothing in the tank. So We have been struggling to connect. The better half shuts down. I pull away. Its been a viscous cycle. One that I could not sit by and take any longer. I want things to better for us. better for our family. Better for myself. So I must take some action. I will start, I have started to fight. I have started to Pray. I will be posting the prayers that I have been praying "For Him', For "His Daugther" For "His Son" For "His Wife" I am starting with my immediate family first and then As I grow stronger again will start adding in everyone else. I feel like I am in the depths of the dessert place. This is a glimmer of hope, and I will not give up. I will press in and I will pray.

July 2012

We were at the cottage this past weekend just the 4 of us. The weather was amazing and family time is always must.

Hot Spinach Dip

 

Ingredients

• 2 teaspoons olive oil, plus more for baking dish
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 2 pounds spinach, cleaned, trimmed, and coarsely chopped
• 1/2 cup milk
• 6 ounces reduced-fat bar cream cheese
• 3 dashes Worcestershire sauce
• 3 dashes hot sauce, such as Tabasco
• 3/4 cup shredded mozzarella
• Coarse salt and ground pepper
• Baguette slices, breadsticks, or crackers, for serving

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. In a Dutch oven or large pot, heat oil over medium. Add onion and garlic; cook until lightly browned, 5 to 8 minutes.
2. Add spinach in two additions, letting the first batch wilt before adding the next; cook until completely wilted, 5 to 8 minutes. Transfer to a colander; drain, pressing to release all excess liquid.
3. In the same pot, warm milk over high heat. Whisk in cream cheese until melted, about 3 minutes. Add spinach, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, and 1/4 cup mozzarella; stir to combine. Season with salt and pepper. Pour into a lightly oiled 1 1/2-quart shallow baking dish; sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup mozzarella.
4. Bake until bubbly and golden brown, 20 to 25 minutes. Serve hot with accompaniments, as desired.

141. Hugs from Jacob
142. Burnt Grilled cheese
143. My new Gazebo
144. Fresh veggies from the garden.
145. When Chloe tells me she loves me all the way to the moon and stars and back again.
146. For new beginings
147. Life 100.3 Radio station
148. Tim hortons and Starbucks
149. Cottage
150. My husbands job...Which lets him take off early to go to the cottage!

       2 Decembers ago. God gave me a word. "Intentional" I need to be intentional about life. In every aspect of life. I cannot expect a cute little magic wand to appear and make all the troubles of this world disappear. I can't expect it to Keep my family healthy nor can I expect it wave its magically powers and turn me into June Clever and My husband Ward. We need to be intentional at working through our issues, and working on our marriage. ( nothing, or no one except us, can do that.) No one will fight for our marriage except us. No one will fight for our kids except us. If we want to grow, we need to be intentional. If we want a good relationship with God, we need to be intentional. If we want good relationships with our Children we need to be intentional. If I want to be rid of the sin in my life, I need to be intentional.

 

          Knowing this, having this word ( intentional ) close to my heart for the last couple of years and it truly penetrating in my heart. How on earth did I get to the spot, where I want to give up? When Did I start focusing on everything but HIM? I started focusing on ALL of the wrongs things. I started focusing on all of the bad stuff. I have been stuck. I have been so super selfish, everything has been what I a missing in my life. What I have been robbed off. What Wrongs have been done to me. All the Negatives. I have pulled away from everyone that I held dear. I haven't been church in 2 months. Depression has set in and I felt utterly hopeless.Defeated and alone. I have blamed my mom, my husband, my son, my dad and my friends. I have also blammed myself. But that was it...I placed the blame, and lost the most important thing in the midst of this.

        I feel like I am at the begining again. On the 15th of this month I decided to be intentional again. I need HIM back in my life. I need to take my life by the horns and fight. My marriage has been so rocky this past year. Dis connected  and distant. My relationship with my son is so hard and I struggle with him everyday. Dealing with ODD is a huge challange. Not having any close Christian friends and not going to church. All This needs to change. And I am not sitting by anymore. So like I said on the 15th I said I was going to start praying. Not just the quick little 3 word prayers. But I am getting up before the household arises and I get out my journal and bible and Power of a praying wife book and I am praying. Outside in the warm breeze under the newly built gazebo. Oh and I can't forget the kureig. My lovely cup or 2 of coffee.

 There has not been a HUGE change. I am not expecting God to open the heaven's door and clap and shout that I have finally gotten it. I just know in my heart that I am obeying. And I do have a little glimmer of hope.

Lord I need you now. I will obey. I will not give up. My face is down and my eyes and arms are raised toward you. As the Tears fall, please know that I long for you. I am reaching out to you, with all of me. I love you.

Does a good cup of coffee inspire me to write? Sometimes....But today it is giving me a little comfort. Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. Filled with outbursts and attitude problems and tears. And mostly on my part. Yes that's right. I was in one heck of a fowl mood Yesterday. I think if I could have found that towel, I would have thrown it in. I had enough and I was ready to share it. Which left me with today, A fresh start, right? Yes, a fresh start. I had still had this lingering anger burning in me though. So I sat outside in the cool breeze under the gazebo and opened up my prayer journal. Here is my entry for this morning.

Oh Lord, I am very sorry. Yes, today is a new day. and I want it to be a good one. I am asking your forgiveness when it comes to yesterday and my attitude with the kids and my hubby. I get frustrated so easily and I stay frustrated and it is so hard for me to snap out it. I honestly don't know why. I do long to be the the proverbs 31 women. Teach me Lord. Amen.

I am so far from perfect and there still has been tears today. but an embrace from my hubby while I stood over the stove making lunch gave me a sense of hope. I will not give up. I will press my heels in. I don't have the answer. and its ok.

Have a blessed day

Dear : Lord

Please help me to be the women of God who takes care of her home, and runs it well. Help me to buy and sell and make wise investments. In material things and in People. Lord help to remember to keep myself Healthy by exercising and dress attractively. I pray that I will work diligently and use my skills which are marketable. I pray that I will be giving and conscientiously prepares for the future. Help me to learn how to contribute to my husbands good reputation. I will be strong, solid, honerable and not afraid of growing older. I pray that I will speak kindly and Wisely. I pray I won't sit around doing nothing, But carefully observe what is going on in my home. My Children and Husband will praise me. I won't rely on charm and beauty but I will remember that it is the fear of the Lord that is the most attractive. I will support my husband but also remember that I still need a fruitful life of my own, which will speak loudly for its self.

Help me Lord to be the wife that he needs me to be. I know that I am lacking in so many areas. I fall short everyday. I need your help. I am selfish and impatient and easily annoyed and quick to anger. I am the opposite of the women mentioned in Proverbs 31. But I can become like that. I will become like that. With YOUR help.

Proverbs 31  In my words.