The truth is....it hasn't been easy.

I stated in a my blog post a last week about being intentional, well this is one of the tools that has been helping me. The power of a praying wife by Stormie O'Martian. I have been getting up early in the mornings and hitting the new gazebo, nestled in my muskoka chair. With my cup of Joe next to me. I have made it out every morning except yesterday. I was up all night hacking up a lung, so I slept through the alarm. ( if only I had this amount of determination when it came to getting up early to work out....OK lets not even go there.) One step at a time right?!

     Anyways , today I am outside, Lil miss is having her nap. And Mr.Man is at the park with some friends. I have a cup of coffee on the left arm of my chair and a bag of Veggies on the right. So what does one do now with these few precious moments of silence? I am reflecting, and wanting to share with you a little tid bit of whats being going on here in the Hesch Household.

     Its easy to say that I have been struggling. This past year for us has been very hard. The better half has made some changes in his career, good changes mind you. But still changes. Myself starting and ending a new job. Chloe starting School and having a very hard time with it until December. Mom moved out West. Have barely seen my family this past year. We lost our pastor at our church. I stopped leading youth group.
( something that I had been doing for the last 4 years.) And actually for the last 2 months we haven't being going to church anywhere. We have tried a couple of different churches but Haven't felt that any of them really clicked. So we wait My daily routine of having quiet time and my devo time has gone to wayside as well, I had one prayer in my prayer journal in a month. Something that I am not proud of, but it is true. And we have also had a recent Diagnosis  in the household. Mr. Man was Diagnosed with ODD. Which it is a relief in one way that we finally know that we are not crazy. But it has left us with a lot of questions. And Dealing with the constant outbursts is more than draining. So....Where has this left the better half and I? I wish I could type that we have strong and have come out on the top, But we have struggled too. At the end of the day. We are tired, irritated, drained and left with nothing in the tank. So We have been struggling to connect. The better half shuts down. I pull away. Its been a viscous cycle. One that I could not sit by and take any longer. I want things to better for us. better for our family. Better for myself. So I must take some action. I will start, I have started to fight. I have started to Pray. I will be posting the prayers that I have been praying "For Him', For "His Daugther" For "His Son" For "His Wife" I am starting with my immediate family first and then As I grow stronger again will start adding in everyone else. I feel like I am in the depths of the dessert place. This is a glimmer of hope, and I will not give up. I will press in and I will pray.

Contentment and thankfulness

I want contentment. I need it, I long for it. In every area. Be happy with the little town I live in. Be happy with the size of the house and that we have been here for 3 years and we still have not finished painting. I need to be content with the fact that I am a stay at home momma and decided that was the best route for me to take. So no one else would raise my children.
I don't need more time in this wonderful thing that I call my life. I just need to be able to live this life well. With thanksgiving and contentment. Time to reach the people that I am suppose to reach. To raise my children to not need me anymore. I just need to live my life to fullest. to enjoy it to the fullest. I need to sit and realize that its all every tidbit of it, is a gift. Walking to school with the wee hand in mine. Stopping and throwing rocks down the sewer drain. Being late for swimming lessons, cause your youngest one got gum in her hair cause she just blew the biggest bubble ever!
Why do most of the time I see my life as a nuance? and in convenience? When will I learn to live in the moment. To enjoy the moment? to breathe deep in the moment.
Why do I let myself get all hairy with anger and fury? For what?? It does nothing but bring destruction and God does state it best. Anger is for fools. So true, and this does ring true to my heart. I am a fool. In so many ways. I would like to put that aside and grab hold of grace and mercy and start to live in Joy. Not happiness. Because if I am living my life to be happy then I am ripping myself off. I won't be able to handle life if I am only looking for happiness. Because there is pain, a lot of pain. I need to look at this life here on earth as a training ground. A place of correction and a place to find joy through embracing the little things.
Like now...I should tidy up...Instead I am blogging, while listening to my  IPod, while snacking on a bowl of cheerios. Lil miss is still sleeping its been over 2 hours. I normal awaken her after 1 1/2 hours. but I will let her sleep. And not get mad when she wont go down at 7:30 tonight. Only because I am learning. I am learning to enjoy the small things. I am thankful for lil miss. I am thankful for the time spent here typing. Healing...Learning to enjoy life. Soaking it in, only to release it.

Do I take the time?

I believe that sometimes I rush,rush,rush and don't take the time. Take the time to do what?? Do I take the time to listen? really listen? Am I so consumed in my own life and creating my check list for the day that I rush right by opportunity's? Do I know how to love others? Do I show that I love others? Do my friends know that I love and value them not just because I say I do, but by my actions? Do my children know that I love and value them, and not just because I say I do, but because I show them? Does my church family know that I love and value them? Not because I say I do, but because of my actions.
Do I stop, and listen?
Do I wrap my arms around them?
Do I forgot about my own agenda and check list?
Do I help where I can?
Do I hear a need and say oh I will pray for you ( again words) or do I try and help with my actions?
Am I living out my love? Am I living out my faith? by my actions???????
Huh.....A thought to ponder.