Family day in 2009- A story I had found about Jaker

On family day this year we went to a friend's house. And Our son's went out side for a quick play. As we were sitting at the table drinking a warm cup of coffee I looked out the window, and noticed that my son was climbing the hill outside attempting to drag a G.T up the hill. I sat back and smiled watching him take a few steps and then take a seat. Then stand up and keep dragging that thing up the hill. He was struggling. But he was strong, he was persistent and was determined to make to the top of that hill. A year ago Jacob would have been very frustrated and probably would have given up, but I was watching this 4 year old boy climb. I could not tell if he yelled for his friend Eli or not, but Eli showed up and came down to Jacob to help him the rest of the way. He carried the heavy load for him, and then they both got on and drove down the hill. Jacob was not upset that he did not get the front, but was content letting someone take the drivers seat. and he enjoyed the ride.

Our burden’s weren’t meant to lay upon our shoulders for a long period of time. We were meant to ask for help, and to receive the help, and to climb to the top victoriously. And then Allow God to take the drivers seat of our lives. And hop on and enjoy the ride.

Life’s struggles can be overwhelming at times and hard to shoulder. But remember to keep getting up, and keep being strong. And ask for help. And then Give control to him. For he cares for you.

My heart whispers....Your tired of being let down.

I was sitting in church on Sunday with tears streaming down my face. What is your heart whispering? Shane ( my pastor ) was asking us why are you angry? 
( not just to me, was he asking this question.) but it felt like it was SO directed to wards me. ever have those moments?? Take off the mask, and look deep. Ask God, he will tell you. 

Well in my life I have had several reasons to be angry and I do believe that I have lived my life hanging on to the thing that felt like home. 
( anger ) Sounds weird?? Yeah kinda.  

On the outside you wouldn't see it. You wouldn't think that I was the type to get easily angered. Well I am. I annoy very easily. ( something that I detest about myself ) I hide it well. I have several different masks. I even wear the mask in front of myself. I didn't notice until 4 years ago how angry I really was. Saying that. God has been stripping that off. It is taking so much longer than I thought it would, but My heart is healing. 
But....this Sunday. God spoke quietly. I almost didn't hear him. I stopped singing. I raised my hands. feeling kinda desperate for some reason. 

I took off the mask. And I heard. Crissy you are tired of being let down. My heart spoke loud and clear. I sighed a very heavy and deep sigh. Yes. Yes I am tired of being let down. I am tired of being hurt by the ones that are suppose to be there for me, and protect me. At that moment, God brought to my mind some names. I began to cry. I have not been able to let it go. And when I think of their names I get mad on the inside and I mull over everything. Even relationships from over 10 years ago. 

*Deep sigh*

 x Husband -Why did he not want me to go back to B.C? How did he walk away so easily?  First husband gave up. Yes I feel let down.

Old BF- Best friend for years. walked away and judged me because I wasn't living the way that she thought that I should be. Wasn't invited to her wedding. which was crushing. Yes I feel let down.  

Mom- Yes in almost every area...Yes I feel let down.

Dad-  Why did you give up searching for me? Why do you live so far away? Yes I feel let down.

Friends- Why am I always the one to reach out? If I don't I never get a phone call. Yes I feel let down.  


Church- Yup...I feel let down.


Myself- Yes I feel like I have let myself down. I didn't do the things that I should have. Out of selfishness and fear. 

God- I felt ripped off. In almost every aspect of my life. 


So what now? What do you do with the whispers of a heart? Guess what my first reaction was...Yup, you guessed it. I was angry. I walked home from Church and was mad. But I need to get to that spot. Where I can let it all go. Where I can let the let downs of life go. And focus on the positive. 


What is your heart whispering? Can you take off your mask long enough to hear?
 

30 now....its been 22 years since I saw him last.

My Father as you all know, has just re entered my life 15 months ago. After a very long 22 years. I am simply amazed at how alike we are. I remember the first time I heard his voice on the phone. I was utterly speechless. And not for a couple of seconds but a few minutes. Crissy, honey....its your dad. This moment will NEVER leave my mind. I remembered his voice. It was like I had never stopped hearing it. I was in total and complete shock to hear him at the other end. My dad. I have a dad. We were on the phone for 2 1/2 the first time speaking, and then was here the very next morning.

I opened the door and this man with Grey hair, my height, my eye color opened the car door and made his way up our stoop. I was so happy and yet so sad. Where did my dad go? He had a beard and his face has wrinkles. I thought back quickly to the man I once remembered. He had dark hair and always wore jeans and cowboy boots. He was a good looking man, he reminded me of Dean martin. But he is old now. I could tell he had problems with his knees. He was having slight trouble getting up the stairs.

We hugged and I cried, and cried. All these thoughts were consuming my mind. I was so angry that I got ripped off. I missed 22 years of his life. I never got to see the progression of him getting older. I missed literally everything in his life. and vice versa. I wish that I cold fully explain how this made me feel, but it is hard. My dad missed so much. My weddings, the birth of my children. Seeing me graduate, seeing me grow into a women. He didn't know anything about me. who I dated, who my friends were, what jobs I have had. NOTHING! this was hard. He sat on the couch next to me, and I could not stop staring at him. He was so handsome. He was my dad. We look a lot alike. Skin tone. We have the same shape hands and feet ( short and stubby) We have the same color of eyes and we are the same height. We are both sarcastic and share the same sense of humor. We are both stubborn and hard workers. I am so glad that I can finally say that I am like someone. I grew up with my mom. Who I am completely opposite then. We look and act nothing alike. And the BOOM. I take one look at my dad and know that I am his. I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

But when my dad left.....I could not stop crying. All I wanted was for him to be close. I didn't want to be apart from him. I still don't. I honestly can say that I cry every time he leaves. It breaks my heart. At the beginning though I was sacred. I thought that he was going to leave and not come back, like what I was used to when I was little. I hate so much seeing him leave. I would give anything for us to live down the road from one another.

We have to learn to blend our lives together and this is oh so very hard. We all have our own friends and lives that never included one another and now all of a sudden we have to figure out how to incorporate visits and holidays and phone calls etc. You may think its easy. But nope. My dad and brother and older sister live 2 hours away and my little sister 4 hours away. I just started my own company, I am very involved in our church. I have two children and a husband. I have a life that never included all of these people. What a drastic change. I do have to admit. the first couple of months after finding my dad. I wished that I didn't have my family. I wanted to just go live with my dad. Something that I never had the chance to do. I wanted to be his little girl again.

So that's my struggle today....Wanting my daddy closer to me.

Bucket list

1. To take the kids on a plane ride.
2. To go on a missions trip to Africa.
3. To write a book
4. Get my motorcycle licence.
5. Get a ninja
6. Learn how to bake bread and buns
7. Work alongside Thomas
8. Take a phtography course. Buy a good camera
9. To Get married
10. To have kids by the time I am 30.
11. To own my own company.
12. To be debt free- almost there-
13. build our own house with a wrap around porch.
14. Help a friend in need.

1000 Gifts

116. Hunstville
117. For my legs so I can walk.
118. The colors of fall.
119. The smell of Winter coming.
120. Gnocci and a Rose Sauce.
121. Time alone.
122. For my kids teachers.
123. Being able to Volunteer at my kids school.
124. After Eight Hot Chocolate.
125. Holding hands with my husband.
126. Graham Crackers and Chedder Chesse.
127. P.A Days
128. Driving a School bus. It allows me to still be home with my kids.
129. My Escape
130. Chocolate Milk
131. Birthdays
132. Sushi
133. Music
134. Seeing kids grow
135. watching the kids interact with their friends
136. wine
137. silence
138. Hugs from a child
139. Snuggling with Jacob
140. windows

Our Marriage. Connect.

      I just Celebrated 6 years of marriage with my best friend. So how have I made 6 whole long years you may ask?? I know, I know, it doesn't seem like a long time. But it is to me. I look around and at every turn you see or hear of someone seperating or divorcing. It breaks my heart in two. Not only for the couple but for the precious Children that it is involving.
 So back to my point....Thmoas and I went to our favorite little town. huntsille, Ontario. We make a point of going every year to wander around the town. Sit by the water. Eat, drink and hold hands. Just the two of us. We spend the night and have no agenda. Its splendid.
Here is what we did. We ate at this amazing family owned Italian Restaurant. I highly recommend it. I loved the Gnocci and oh my word. I honestly wanted 2 orders of it.

 We also went to a wine tasting at the Deerhurst Resort. Something else we love. Wine. The atmosphere was great an we met a great couple. Just a year into their marriage. We tasted f different kinds of wine from Cave springs.

And We loved the place that we went for Breakfast. Three guys and a Stove. It was a Marche style. And it was YUMMY. My Favorite was the Fesh Buckwheat waffles with whip cream and Chocolate sauce and fresh fruit.

have to admit though, it does not happen enough. We need to connect more. We need to make it a priority. We buzz around during the day, we buzz around during the night. Until we both crash and veg in front of the t.v for an hour before we hit the sack. Sometimes we don't utter more than a paragraph. I am slowly learning the importance of fostering this relationship. Stop cooking dinner and getting the kids lunch ready Greet him. Give him a hug and a peck on the cheek. Say hello, and how was your day. This is hard for me. I don't like people in my kitchen when I am cooking. I don't like to be interupted when I am in the middle of something. Even more so, when I am mutil tasking several things at once. which is evey night around dinner time/ When Tom gets home. The last thing I want to do is stop. But I must. I need to put aside my own feelings and connect. Even if it is only for a breif moment. He does deserve that much.

Jk

I felt the tap on my lower back. I turned to see my sweet blue eyed beauty smiling with her head turned to its side. Momma, I am gonna miss you too. How did she know?? My back was turned. The tears that were sitting on the ledge, dropped and I grabbed ahold of her and reassured that Today was going to be a GREAT day. I was trying to reassure myself as well. She kept giving me kisses and hugs and I sent her on her way to get ready for bed. Her little red curls bouncing.
I turned back to pack the little Pink Hello Kitty lunch bag. And continued to let the tears flow. I am so blessed to have such a sweet little girl. One who is so in tuned to others feelings.
Who knew that sending your baby to JK would be so hard? She was fine. She was more than fine. She stepped in line and marched right in. Just like her brother did on his first day. I would have it no other way.
Hold your head high sweet Chloe. Be kind and gentle and loving and understanding. Learn lots, Have many laughs. Make lifelong friends and be a light. I love you all the way to moon and back!