Jk

I felt the tap on my lower back. I turned to see my sweet blue eyed beauty smiling with her head turned to its side. Momma, I am gonna miss you too. How did she know?? My back was turned. The tears that were sitting on the ledge, dropped and I grabbed ahold of her and reassured that Today was going to be a GREAT day. I was trying to reassure myself as well. She kept giving me kisses and hugs and I sent her on her way to get ready for bed. Her little red curls bouncing.
I turned back to pack the little Pink Hello Kitty lunch bag. And continued to let the tears flow. I am so blessed to have such a sweet little girl. One who is so in tuned to others feelings.
Who knew that sending your baby to JK would be so hard? She was fine. She was more than fine. She stepped in line and marched right in. Just like her brother did on his first day. I would have it no other way.
Hold your head high sweet Chloe. Be kind and gentle and loving and understanding. Learn lots, Have many laughs. Make lifelong friends and be a light. I love you all the way to moon and back!

Showing Grace- Something you do well my son.

Today Jacob I was proud to call you my son. You were leaning against the chain link fence, like it was no big deal, and you might not have even mentioned it. And if you did...It probably would have come up over dinner and you would have shrugged it off like it was nothing.
But you Jacob, God has given you a precious gift. You are a boy through and through. But god has equipped you with an understanding. Your not a wimp, and afraid of things. Your not afraid to speak your mind. Yet, you have this amazing ability to extend grace when really it's not deserved. I guess that's the true meaning of grace now isn't. But I have watched you suck it up. Not in a bad way. Not in a way that you are going to need counselling in 10 years. You take it and understand it and move on. You smile at him. you greet him each time you see him. You have this ability to love the unlovable. You aren't mean in return. Your words are kind and not harsh. You run away instead of throwing a punch back, and 9 times out of 10 when they try and chase you. They loose, can you a runner! Today hearing you got punched again and chased after and had hand sanitizer smashed into your hair. You didn't retaliate.
You had me in tears after school walking home. This you know cause I couldn't stop saying to you how proud I am of you. Now some may think, that you are gonna get walked all over. But I don't believe that. because I see your classmates and you get this respect for whatever reason. every time we are out. A friend is shouting hi. You hang your head low, in a humble matter and with a little wave of our hand. You say hi.
 even if its the boy who has been treating you so poorly. You treat everyone the same.
I pray that never changes about you. Love the unlovable. Cause like you and I have said. They are the ones that need our love the most.
Jacob, I am proud to call you my son. I love you!

blah

Do I really and truly believe with my whole heart what I proclaim to believe in? Do my actions match my heart?
Lately, I have been wondering, questioning, not doubting but, curious and searching. What am I here for? Really?? Why do we go through the things that we do? And how do we take those things and run into his arms? And the let the light of the world embrace us?

I don't feel like the same person. I feel distant and lost and swallowed up. I feel empty and lonely. And I Have for some time now. Sad. I feel sad. My inner most being feels sad.

I met a new friend a few weeks ago and as we are sitting on the beach. She mentioned something to me that will never leave me. Why do you think you entitiled to that? was her question. WOW was my first thought. a very bold comment. I took a breath and it ran deep threw my veins. She is right. I have sat here thinking, why??? Why could I not have a normal mom. A normal family? Why do I long for that so much? Why do I think that I am entitled to it? 
I am so good at saying the right thing. I am also good at saying somethings with my head and not my heart.
I pretend I am fine. I pretend I don't have a care and that I have all together. why?
I pretend that its ok and I say that God has a plan ( which I know he does.) but...I don't understand why? Why can't I let it all go?

Just some thoughts running threw my mind today. Today is blah. Sad..And blah

1000 Gifts

92. Rainbows noticed by my Lil man.
93. Seeing the sun shine down through the window and lighting up the right side of his face.
94. Walking
95. Kid free weekends.
96. Hugs
97. Kisses
98. hiking in the woods and seeing Fields of trillium's.
99. Mud
100. Washing machines
101. Rain
102. seeing little shoes piled at the front door.
103. Drive Thru
104. Straws
105.white teeth
106. Grandparents
107. Dip
108. Pain pills
109. Mountains
110. Painted toes.
111. blue eyes
112. Saying sorry
113. Hearing I forgive you.
114. For late night walks
115. early morning walks to get coffee.

1000 Gifts

Why are some days harder than others to find things to be thankful for? I must admit...Today has been hard to pin point something. I am speaking at youth on Friday night about Thanksgiving, and how God says we need to give thanks for ALL circumstances.  I think I have a hard time with the word ALL. I have been struggling today...Indeed.
So today I will say thanks for something. My Best friend Caroline

91. Caroline and her friendship. She is real and she listens and she talks. She cares. She is strong and loving and not critical, but will tell you the things you need to hear. She is a great friend. A godly friend.

1000 Gifts

80. Cheese tea biscuits
81.A friend driving 1 hour to come see me just to have a chat.
82. Hot chocolate with mini marshmallows.
83. A little girl that breaks out in prayer thankful for her hot chocolate and also prays that the grass gets some water. even though it rained yesterday.
84. Dandelions being picked and placed in a vase that was for the garage sale.
85. Colette Jessop
86. The way that you hold me.
87. Chats with a mom after school in school yard.
88. Kids smiling while sliding down the slide.
89. Strollers, for when the Lil miss gets tired of walking.
90. Seeing how smart Jacob is at math.

.

1000 Gifts

61. Watching Tom work in the yard.
62. Clean drinking water at our disposal
63. The Christian radio station.
64. For apples and Carmel
65. Neighbours who allow us to borrow his pick up to get a ton of dirt.
66. Sunday afternoon naps.
67. Clouds
68. Magnets
69. Thursday night Newspaper. Its filled with Flyer's.
70. Organic spinach, Tomatoes and Cheddar Cheese.
71. Mash potatoes and gravy
72. Jeans
73. Italian bakery's pizza dough.
74. Dates with my hubby
75. That Chloe wants to be a momma.
76. Tea biscuits
77. A morning to myself.
78.Chocolate covered pretzels.
79. Watching Chloe playing on the computer.
80. coffee beans.